Fall 2022 Children's Sneak Previews

The Love Of My Life Has Died. How Can I Ever Be Free To Live Again?

The question My man died of cancer five years ago. He was 61. We had children and grandchildren. He had been "the man of my life" for the last 35 years. We were in love. Each day, each night, we told each other how we were feeling good together. Our life was just as we wished it could be. We had a small country house where he was living full-time since he retired and, as I was still working, I came back home from my work every Friday night for the weekend. We were like two lovebirds meeting again.

You can imagine how painful it was to lose him. Each day during the years after his death, everything made me think of him: music, snow, sun, rain, food, films… It was very hard to sell our house. But I had to do it and I did. I am having to rebuild my life brick by brick, but it feels as if joy will never come back.

I never met a man who would be able to take his place. It is too hard to throw away pictures of him or letters he wrote me, I am holding on to some of his clothes still. I know I must let go, but I feel as if I would be betraying him if I did. Because of this, I feel that my life (particularly my love life) is in limbo. I'm not really living. How can I let him go? How can I be free again? How can I live again?

Philippa's answer Philippe Ariès wrote in Western Attitudes Toward Death from the Middle Ages to the Present: "A single person is missing for you and the whole world is empty. But one no longer has the right to say so aloud." There is a pressure somehow, that after a year we "should" let go of grief. I would argue, though, that you had a wonderful relationship, so why would you ever want to let go of it? It's painful to be without him and you must miss him very much. Rather than letting him go, you could create a special space or shrine in your home where you can display your husband's things and remember the good times you shared. This can be a place where you can go to feel close to him whenever you need to. You might want it private just for you in a cabinet, or something you share with your children, who might want to add to the shrine, too.

When someone we are close to dies, we don't only lose them, but we also lose the person we were when we were with them. It's like you're missing a part of yourself. How we experience ourselves differs with every person we are with and every group we belong to. In time you will feel good with other people, not in the same way you felt with your late partner, but different people will bring out different aspects of you that you will come to like or even enjoy, and you will get better at living differently.

There is no timeline for grief and there is no point in trying to rush it

You have had the life you had with your partner and now it is time to have another life. Think of it as having more than one life. You might not love it as much as you loved your old life with him but, in time, you will become more accustomed to this new life and appreciate different parts of it. You could also see people again romantically if you want to experiment. Don't compare them to your late husband, they will be different. And he won't be betrayed. Think of him cheering you on, wanting you to make the most of your life. There is no timeline for grief and there is no point in trying to rush it. It's possible to honour your husband's memory while also finding new love and happiness in life.

Enjoy remembering fondly how he responded to music, snow, sun, rain, food and films and enjoy these things anew. Talk of him with your children and friends, too, and I hope, eventually, the memories will become a source of comfort more than pain.

He'll be a part of you always, but you can also grow new parts, some of them in solitude and some in relationships with friends, and possibly new friends – even, perhaps, new lovers. These new parts of you will grow around your grief, around the part of you that is missing. Grieving is hard and I'm not sure it is ever over, but you can continue to develop and grow around it. I'm sorry it feels so painful.

I hope it is some comfort to realise that by surviving him, you have spared him the pain of being without you. You have spared him the grief you are now feeling.

There are some beautiful books about grief. For example, Grief Works by Julia Samuel, You Are Not Alone by Cariad Lloyd, The Madness of Grief: A Memoir of Love and Loss by Richard Coles and Grief Is the Thing With Feathers by Max Porter. Reading about how other people are with their grief may help you find a way of being with yours.

Life will never be the same as it was, but that doesn't mean it won't ever be exciting, fun and beautiful again. You are right, no one will ever take your husband's place, but that doesn't mean you will not create new places in your life that will bring you different gifts.

If you have a question, send an email to askphilippa@observer.Co.UkSubmissions are subject to our terms and conditions

Finding Your Home's Tax Basis

It's been almost ten years since Congress decided to make most home sale profits tax-free. When the law changed in 1997, most tax advisers thought it would be safe for most homeowners to stop being meticulous in tracking the tax basis of their homes.

Your basis is the investment in the house that you subtract from the proceeds when you sell to determine the taxable profit. But, if the first $250,000 of profit is tax free for single people and a cool half million bucks for married couples, why bother tracking your basis? What are the chances you'd ever crack the tax-free barrier?

Well, more people are discovering the answer -- to their thrill and their dismay. Soaring home prices have pushed some homeowners' profits over the tax-free limits. It's great to make such a huge profit, but it's still painful to have to share part of it with Uncle Sam. If you're in this boat, it's important for you to reacquaint yourself with what counts toward your basis so you can hold the tax bill down to the minimum.

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Your tax basis begins simply enough as what it cost you to buy the house. But it changes, quickly and often.

For example, when you buy a home, costs that can be included in the basis include title-insurance premiums, transfer taxes, property-inspection fees, utility-connection charges and amounts owed by the seller that you agree to pay, such as part of the real estate agent's commission. Get out your settlement sheets.

Then, as you own the home, the cost of capital improvements adds to your basis, too. A capital improvement is something that adds value to your home, prolongs its life or adapts it to new uses. Your basis includes what you pay for an addition to the house, for example, a swimming pool or a new central air-conditioning system. It's not restricted to big-buck items, though. A new water heater counts, as do an intercom, security system or new storm windows.

The cost of repairs, on the other hand, don't add to your basis. Fixing a gutter, painting a room or replacing a window pane are repairs rather than improvements.

When you sell a home, your profit is basically the net proceeds of the sale (selling price minus expenses, such as the agent's commission) minus your adjusted basis. Adjusted basis is what you paid for the house plus the cost of improvements, minus any casualty losses on the property you claimed while living there -- for fire or storm damage, for example.

The basis is also reduced by any gain from a previous home you rolled over into the house under the rules that applied before May 1997. Before the rules changed, homeowners could defer the tax on home-sale profit by buying a new home that cost at least as much as the one that was sold. Any profit on a sale that was not taxed was considered "rolled over" into the new house, to be taxed when that property was sold unless it was rolled over again. Each rollover held down the basis in the new home, which is why some sellers are now finding themselves with taxable profits.

If you have a taxable profit from a home sale, you report it on Schedule D, and be sure to use the special worksheet for figuring your tax bill so the 15% maximum capital gain rate applies to your home sale profit.

Learning To Love Again: Moving On After Divorce

This year, more than 780,000 marriages in the United States will come to an end. Some will exit their marriage because they've grown tired of arguing with a partner who no longer sees eye-to-eye with them. Others, like Sarah Cave, have been burned by infidelity.

"My now ex-husband had an affair. For 18 months or so, he lived in the basement because we were trying to make things better for the kids," she says. "And we reached a place where I said, 'I'm ready for you to move out.'"

That was 11 years ago. During that time, Cave says she tried just about every dating app -- eharmony, Match.Com, Zoosk, OurTime. "I could find people who were willing to hook up with me, but nobody who clicked."

Scarred by her divorce and weary from the dating site merry-go-round, "My self-esteem was pretty trashed," she says.

To find love again, you have to not only believe there is someone out there for you, but also that you're worthy of love, says Richard Horowitz, who is both a relationship coach and a survivor of divorce. "For some people, it takes longer to get to that place."

After you've been hurt, you may doubt your ability to trust someone again. "We think, where did we go wrong in the past? How did we not see the signs?" says Christie Kederian, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and dating coach based in Los Angeles. "That sometimes keeps us from really getting to know people."

Before you can get to know someone else, you need to learn more about yourself and what you want. "Knowing who you are, what you need, and why the marriage failed are all so important," Horowitz says. If you can't make sense of everything on your own, a therapist can help.

Also, explore what you want in a partner. Kederian suggests creating what she calls "the criteria sandwich." The top bun is your must-haves -- absolute requirements in a prospective partner, like a stable career or spirituality. The next layer is what you'd like to have. And the bottom layer includes the deal breakers, which could be some of the things that didn't work in your marriage.

If it's been a few decades since you last dated, the process might feel somewhat alien to you. Horowitz went from singles dances to the brave new world of online dating, which had just come into existence after his divorce. Having been a veteran of both approaches, he says it was "more rigorous" to date in person, "but you learned more quickly about a person you might or might not be interested in."

"There's definitely a learning curve [to online dating]," Kederian says. For one thing, people don't always accurately portray themselves in their dating profile. Some would-be mates are outright scammers. And even those who are legit might be on the hunt for hook-ups, as Cave found.

To find a good match and a deeper connection, Kederian suggests being as true to yourself as possible in your profile and photo. "It's way better to be authentic and real up-front than try to create an image of yourself that's not really accurate," she says.

She also suggests keeping your profile bio short. If you reveal your whole life story at once, "you don't give someone an opportunity to get to know you through conversation."

Once you do meet someone who seems interesting, move from the virtual world to the real one quickly, so you can explore a deeper connection. Kederian suggests going from messaging to a date in five messages or less.

Online dating is tricky, but it is possible to find love in a virtual forum. "I met my current wife online," Horowitz says. "We've been married almost 20 years."

If online dating isn't for you, use a more traditional approach. Work with a matchmaker, join groups that fit your interests, ask friends to set you up, or connect with people on social media.

Cave found someone who caught her interest on a Facebook group she frequented. "I just happened to notice that this attractive silver fox was always posting nice photographs with clever captions," she says. After she'd watched his posts for months, a mutual friend arranged for them to meet over a Zoom cocktail-making class.

"We walked for 2 hours on our first date," Cave says. "We took another walk the very next day because we kept discovering how much we had in common."

Even if your kids are older, you need to consider them when bringing someone new into your life. Horowitz has three children from his first marriage. Cave has two children.

Kederian suggests having a conversation with your kids to let them know you want to start dating, but set clear boundaries. You want to make sure the person is a good fit before you introduce them to your children. "And you don't want to put your kids in the position of being the judge or the deal breaker," she says.

There are a lot of arbitrary rules about dating again. One says you should wait 1 month for every year of your marriage. But really, the time to start dating again is when it feels right to you. "You might meet someone right away, or you might need some time to heal," Horowitz says.

Kederian suggests that you think of dating as a lifestyle habit, much like starting a new exercise program. "In the same way you wouldn't say, 'I'm going to start working out today and by next week I'm going to have a six pack' … you don't want to put that expectation on your dating process," she says. "You want to approach it as a process."

When you do venture back out into the dating world, be prepared to make a few mistakes along the way. "Be cautious, but be open at the same time," Horowitz suggests. With patience, persistence, and a clear sense of your own objectives, you can find love again.

Cave has spent the last 11 years considering what she wants, and she thinks she's finally found it. Although she's still gun-shy from past experience, having candid and sometimes tough conversations helped her and her new boyfriend grow closer -- so much so that they've started to talk about the future. "I have no compunction about saying I love this man," she says. "I think we are settling into what feels like our life together."

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